she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
