I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
