OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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