I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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