My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
