The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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