Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize
