we have pet lesbian snakes
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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