Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
