I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
