we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Randomize
