he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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