i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
