I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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