he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
