Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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