Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
