I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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