I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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