Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
