the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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