as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
