his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
