My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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