You're a womanizer and a bitch.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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