So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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