i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
