my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
