Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Drunk is not a location!
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
