Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
