you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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