No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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