I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Randomize
