I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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