Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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