I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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