...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
