When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
