why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
