I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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