I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
