Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
