my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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