it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
