ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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