Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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