Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
