If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
