Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
