Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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