Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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