I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
