If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize